Recovery part 2

Some days I wish I never met you so I could meet you again.

I’ve been trying to destroy your memory. To make you a fraud and me a fake.

Unfortunately it’s not working. It’s hard to tell a lie when the truth was so big.

I’ve been listening to your favorite songs all morning while I drink coffee and smoke cigarettes.

It wasn’t until my hands were pressed against my face while I sobbed that I realized what I had done.

I’m terrified you never cared about me.

But that hasn’t changed. Every fight we had. Every stupid petty fight. Every huge fight. Everything. Centered around that.

Some days are really hard without you.

Pride is ugly. I won’t call and neither will you.

I wish I could meet you tomorrow maybe then I could stop us from growing old together so young.

Recovering

By, Cat

#hermapisundefined

elusive-wow:

Nenad Bacanovic

(via beer-buzz)

I sleep with your blanket when you’re not here.

I hold it as tight as I can until I am covered in your smell.

My favorite moment is when you’re in my bed and I’m laying in your arms right before you wake up. I lay there pretending to sleep. I feel safe. I hear your heartbeat in my ear. I press my head lightly on your chest scared I’ll wake you up if I apply to much pressure. I watch you sleep and wait to see your big brown eyes open and role over to grab me and throw me to the other side of the bed.

I know soon you’ll take me into your body and make love to me. But I lay still worshipping this moment of you I have to myself. Where no one can bother us. Where you are all mine. In this moment there is no one before or after me. Being in this second of time where I can feel true happiness and love.

Every time you wake up my heartbreaks for a moment remembering I’ll have to wait for the next morning. To be in my habitual routine of happiness.

I could stay in this morning for the rest of my life. Knowing you are here. Knowing I can take you in.

For the nights you are not hear I am not strong enough to face my bed. Knowing I will wake up alone. Craving that feeling. Wishing it was time for me to feel you.

“Love with only limits”

#hermapisundefined

the-beauty-of-words-blog:

(via the-beauty-of-words-blog)

Knock knock

I knocked on your door

I knocked on your door this fall. I stood there waiting for what seemed like an hour to go inside.

I came inside and there you were with your daughter. I was there to meet her. To see you with her. To knock on your door.

A year prior I sat in my car for 20 minutes before I got out. I swore I’d never knock on your fucking door again. I sat and remembered that people change. I had changed. So here i was waiting to see if I could knock.

4 years to the past and I walked out that door and hated you.

24 hours prior I thought we could finally be together. But 24 hours prior we had never crossed that line we pretended we had with one another. After laying naked in your bed all I could was think of walking out that door.

1 year before. I went to your party. I found out you lied again. I was so hurt. I walked out that door and you followed me. You held my hand and looked at my face and promised never again would you hurt me. I believed you.

2 years and I walked through your door. I never knocked anyways. I stood in your room and cried. You cried. You lied to me. You said it was me you loved but you fucked her. You said you loved me. I slammed that door only to keep opening it.

6 months before that and you told your girlfriend you were busy when I walked through that door. I stood there smiling. You and I had our secrets and we loved them. You told me it was over with her. That you loved me. I walked right through your door.

1 summer before your girlfriend was on vacation. I didn’t know you well but we connected. I walked through your door and no one was there but me. We walked through that door and laughed and drank all night. I knew that door was trouble.

A year and a half before i sat in my car. I was so nervous this wasn’t the right house. Your door was on the side of the house and I couldn’t figure out how to come in. You walked out and we walked through that door together. Not knowing what was in the other side.

Her map is undefined

Recovery

Candle lit baths with lavender scented bath bombs.

Sipping hot tea in the evening with a little hunny.

Taking deep, long breathes and exhailing, really exhailing.

Meditating.

Remembering who you are and really feeling that.

Recovering.

I’ve haven’t been myself lately.

Well to be honest I haven’t been myself in years.

I lost apart of myself a long time ago. I still remember what it’s like to be me which really fucks with me.

Being trapped in your head can be worse than prison.

It’s a constant disconnect between the emotion that is coming over verse how you know you should feel.

I’ve never felt so mixed up. Sometimes I feel like I’m upside down looking at people in the normal world wondering if they can tell.

I don’t know when I became someone I don’t recognize. I caught my reflection in the bathroom the other day and didn’t even know who that girl was looking back at me is.

I had an idea of myself but it didn’t workout.

I’m so fake sometimes I could yell at people for even believing the bullshit coming out of my mouth.

How ignorant I think they are for buying what I’m saying.

I’m a fake. Why am I not called out more for it?

(via lifeascolleen)

“It’s almost like you live to make me hurt & “sorry” is your favorite word. You’re not worthy of my trust, how can we make this work? Every time I think of writing our ending, you start treating me like you did that first summer, back when I was pure- you were my first lover. But now I’m stuck wishing you’d come around more- But when you do come through, the love poems we write are raw in these sheets so fuck you & the condoms I found in your sock drawer. Love turns to hate more often than it ends in forever, which is unfortunate, because I envisioned us married by 30, but that’s just some years away & I know you’re not ready. I only want what’s best for you, I wish you’d listen to me; but instead you’re high, in between another girl’s thighs with your eyes closed, regretting that she doesn’t feel like me. Fuck all the bullshit, I’m still in love, I know we’ve made a mess of things but if you’re down, we could clean it up